As I had previously stated we all are scared to look deep down on ourselves but this was it for me.
I read somewhere: the difference between forgiving and forgetting is that If I did not truly forgive I would be stuck on a mental prison of my own.
I could relate a little to that. Locked behind the bars of my own bitterness is how it had felt for the past few months, probably years;specially after trying to take my mind of my own reality by binge-watching different TV shows, one of them being “Orange is the new black.”But I would see how lucky I was though juxtaposed with the inmates, because I had always hold the key to my ultimate freedom and redemption.
***
Living with resentment is a dangerous thing that many of us are unconscious to see and fail to realize we are subsisting with.
“Is like having someone else walking behind you, dragging you down constantly, soaking all the good in you, all of your energy, your creativity, whispering you to hold a grudge and after leaving you completely depleted”
One day I was finally wide awake and discerned that this was rotting me to my core and had not only put me in a state of Isolation with the person I believed had committed an injustice against me, but also with the people that I interacted with on a daily basis, because I was unable to love them profusely and give them care to my full throttle.
I had all the symptoms, lack of sleep, anger, overreacting every time over small things, and all of this lead to a mild depression that I had gone through without actually attaining I was in such a state.
***
“Holding on to resentment is like holding on to your breath, sooner or later you will begin to suffocate”
by Deepak Chopra
I certainly felt suffocated but I wanted to survive.
Things happen for reasons we don’t quite fully understand, but If we could step away a little from the situation we would see that we can extract something good from it that we wouldn’t had learned otherwise.
and that’s how I choose to see it, there was nothing I could do to change what I had done or how I managed some situations in the past, but all I could do is focus on the now, and do some things differently.
“Trying to stay afloat in the midst of an ocean of obstacles that were drowning me slowly”
***
I was decided to shake this thing off.
“May be it would leave a scar, but like a soldier after battle I would wear proudly my scars as badges from previous wars but not my defeats.”
So I started texting and getting in touch with some people I hadn’t spoke in months. I started gracing my presence with those people I had not spoken with and just rejoicing being with them.
What they had done to me didn’t matter anymore.It would not define me.
then there was the hardest part of all, to forgive myself. forgiving myself and opening to new possibilities.
freeing myself from the pain, anger and bitterness that If only I had done things differently and just let it go.
Chronicles of a life in Progress 