Let Go (Part 1)

turning over a new leaf

turning over a new leaf

I heard something the other day that left quite an impression on me:

Until you make amends with your past and heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into the future, you can bandage it with food, work, drugs, sex ,etcetera but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed”  by Yyala Vanzant.

And I had one of those aha! moments, where everything made sense for me in that moment in time, and I became more conscious of some issues I had with detachment.I certainly needed to work on that.Something was stopping me from going into the next dimension of my entity.

Letting go was something I was never good at.

I was always the type of person that when thrown a slight-harsh non-constructive critique I would keep thinking and dwelling for hours about  it.So when the time came for me to leave behind some heavyweight I’d been carrying, It took me a while to let the strings go, and accept that what had happened could be any different.

                                  ***

There had been six months since I came from Taiwan, I was having some Taipei withdrawals and missing the life I used to have. For some reason every now and then I was being haunted by the remembrance of some things, unfinished projects and unresolved issues, broken relationships that I thought I’d put behind.There was the guilt that was finally getting a toll on me, I had to stop the bleeding, not just bandage it with food/other like the quote said.

I was not really able to give a proper goodbye to all the people I shared a relationship with in Taiwan. I left so abruptly (partly to my inability to create & follow schedules), I couldn’t stay there any longer after a stressful time and the most deepening heartbreak. But I am deeply grateful for my time there and will always cherish it.(This is shout-out to you reader from Taipei whom I’ve met, glad to have met you)

                                  ***

So I decided it was time to pull myself out of the hole I had personally orchestrated and dig for myself. I started by cleaning the clutter of pictures, files, notes and memories I had accumulated and filled with the desktop of my computer. I couldn’t even see anymore the mesmerising background I had put on.

It was easier than I thought, and after a few hours of classifying multiple files into folders and transferring them to my usb memory, I was all done. But I wasn’t really done, was I? I was just scratching the surface. I was scared to look deep down on myself, we all are, but it was a task I would have to take on eventually.

letting the prisoners go

letting the prisoners go

***

As I was cleaning and getting rid of things, pictures and unfinished projects that had shaped my life for the previous six months, I recognised I was starting to write the new chapter of my existence, I knew the best was yet to come; but for some reason I felt all mixed up, not as happy & relieved as I’d expected.

After untangling all the little knots that were making the road utterly bumpy, all you have left is the rope undone, to move forward. (by “me” who knew I could write a quote! ha!)

I felt a new beginning was taking off, but I didn’t really want it.

Change is always so bittersweet.

I believed I was experiencing what we like to call “growing up,” I called it a change of skin, a thicker kind that can withstand whatever comes it way.

***

I always hear people saying that you have to fall on your feet, in order to get up and learn to jump. If there was one thing I had learned from all the living abroad and experiencing new cultures it was that every single soul you cross paths with is going through a great battle in their life, and we should always be kind with everyone we meet. That’s the mantra I would keep on mind from now on and intended to follow for my time being.

 

Striving for purpose…& thrive. (Part 1)

I see how everyone lately keeps telling me that everything will turn for the best, that the pieces will fall into place, that my situation (“current unemployment and spiralling state of not knowing what to do with my life) is temporal not an eternal state of suffering. I believe it true sometimes, but there are other times when I am massively scared of the unknown.

We all are in some way, only that some of us decide to look away and ignore this and keep on moving with our lives (that’s the normal thing to do). But these days I have too much free time in my hands and the itch of dwelling about the future and daydreaming of what could be harasses me constantly If I don’t stay busy.

But one thing I believe is that in difficulty we find opportunity.

As I said I have been struggling lately to find an ideal job fit for me.

***

Maybe that’s what happens when you turn down a fairly respectable job offer (auxiliar graphic designer) at a bank just because the pay wasn’t what you originally expected. lesson learnt! 

What could possibly make me think that I am in some way better than that job. I am not too good for it, there would tons of people looking to obtain such a job, and the economy let’s face is still recovering and there are millions of people unemployed and unable to catch a break. I am only thankful because I have a roof over my head and not struggling to pay rent and have all things necessary to live decent.

Maybe that job was not necessarily what I am meant to do for the rest of my life, not the real purpose of my being but it can be a transporter and a propeller to the next stage in my life. It can be a job to help me sustain a decent living to get where I want to be. Sometimes as I had said many times is all about perspective, and as long as I’m alive there are opportunities, waiting for me to take advantage of them.

***

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and telling others & myself the same sad story over and over again. I have began writing a new chapter and as I do this I believe the fear and uncertainty will melt away.

I am ready to throw away this story, because it is not helping me create a future. I am at this moment writing a new story of someone who as a fact is at the moment unemployed but will move to do great things and is on this earth with a purpose, and now in the search of that purpose of what my creator put me here to do. 

First I am setting a vision for myself and what my dreams could achieve.

We have to divorce those stories that are not helping us to make a better future in our lives.

***

However, we are not certain of anything, we all just throw our wishes in the fountain of life, hoping it will return to us with the best solution.

because the one thing I’m most afraid of is to fail, to be a complete failure and disappointment for my parents and ultimately myself, but I cannot built success over failure thoughts and vibes. 

So I have launched a little retrospective campaign to look inward of myself and start doing things things I used to enjoy doing like painting, writing etcetera. We are not just one thing, we can look at what other people are doing and we probably could do the same, maybe even better, you just have to test the waters.

I was watching a podcast with Elizabeth gilbert one of these restless afternoons and I heard that in order to be successful a lot people say we should follow our passion, but passion is a feeling that we get in a specific moment, is not a feeling we can attain daily, instead she mentioned we should follow our curiosity, wherever we have curiosity, keep following it and it will guide you to what you have really have passion for and ultimately what you are meant to do.

***

So I have been following my curiosity and I have been reading in all of this books and I hope that someday I could be able to write a book myself to share with the world a little of the wisdom I have obtain from living on this earth. May be it would be a best-seller, or maybe it won’t ,but I will for sure keep practicing and trying, because from trail and error, we learn and we develop and maybe one of these days luck will come If I am open my heart enough to the possibilities, when I probably least expect it, the ray of light will hit me and boom! have a breakthrough! 

and when those fears of failure come creeping down on us, just say to say to yourself that you are willing to try at least, no matter the outcome and that is what courage is, to fear but to do it anyway. Just think to yourself that you have to do it . (I cannot take complete credit on this, I learn this from Oprah’s life class: “Living fearlessly,” advise you to watch it)

“The only solution to fear is massive action, just do something, even if its wrong you can change it.” by Tony Robbins.

peace, hope you enjoyed this and that it helps you live better!

let’s try to create a story worthy to tell others, that induces others do the same and thrive. wish you success!

Brand Yourself

What if you could create a brand for yourself?  why not create a brand for yourself? and I mean it in the way of yourself to be your own brand! you person and everything that constitutes your personality;  And what if we managed our lives as a continuous display of our brand, the medium by which we can show people of how much you can accomplish in life. Have you ever thought about that?

Has it ever occurred to you, that you could be responsible for making people aspire to be something more than what they are told by parents, teacher, people in general.

Just think of your goals as a flying kite that with just enough wind can go as far as you can imagine. The same thing happens with what you can achieve in life, there are no limits for what you can do.

Conceive the idea that you can be someone that through his/her life can inspire people.

***

The biggest characters of our time are those who have broken barriers, that have contributed with something substantial and have made a change for good.

Well, let me tell you something, you can make the choice of living a life not just for yourself, your family or your partner perhaps, but also for those people around you.

  ***

People all over the world are doing this, creating a brand for themselves and providing with something that people can build their lives around. Isn’t that what people live for? To become somebody that can generate an outstanding thing, to feel proud in their old years and have something rather special to tell their grandchildren.

 So if you could make people feel the desire of wanting to be someone instead of wanting things, would you do it?.

Material Things could be part of being someone but indeed do not constitute who you are.

I have seen so many people trying to fill the void in their lives with material things so they can feel better about themselves, and that’s what culture nowadays tell us to do.

I also believe that the level of accomplishment of a person cannot be measured with the accumulation of expensive things, but with how many people you have touched in your journey of our so called life.

***

So I ask you again why not create a brand for yourself and build a reputation that could challenge people to break out of the mold and surprise themselves and those around them every once in a while, by doing something unique that not even themselves thought they could do.

 I once read somewhere that the two things that make people move are: the desire of feeling important and the necessity of being recognized of having accomplished something and finally the attraction of the opposite sex.

So we are in the 21st century, these are hard times we are living in, specially after the world felt recession and people feel discouraged, living lives without meaning, to get through the day, without very much hope.

So the next time when you feel like giving up, when you feel that everything is irrelevant, and just seem like you are fading to grey, think of those people who have inspire you to be what you are at this moment in life and think that you can do the same for one little boy or girl someday.

So today I dare you to rethink all of your plans of life that you have had at the moment, try to look back very carefully and see if you like the road you are going towards.

I dare you to create a brand for yourself, to be branded by non other than you.

Let Go (Part II, Forgiving)

As I had previously stated we all are scared to look deep down on ourselves but this was it for me.

I read somewhere: the difference between forgiving and forgetting is that If I did not truly forgive I would be stuck on a mental prison of my own.
I could relate a little to that. Locked behind the bars of my own bitterness is how it had felt for the past few months, probably years;specially after trying to take my mind of my own reality by binge-watching different TV shows, one of them being “Orange is the new black.”But I would see how lucky I was though juxtaposed with the inmates, because I had always hold the key to my ultimate freedom and redemption.

***

Living with resentment is a dangerous thing that many of us are unconscious to see and fail to realize we are subsisting with.
“Is like having someone else walking behind you, dragging you down constantly, soaking all the good in you, all of your energy, your creativity, whispering you to hold a grudge and after leaving you completely depleted”

One day I was finally wide awake and discerned that this was rotting me to my core and had not only put me in a state of Isolation with the person I believed had committed an injustice against me, but also with the people that I interacted with on a daily basis, because I was unable to love them profusely and give them care to my full throttle.

I had all the symptoms, lack of sleep, anger, overreacting every time over small things, and all of this lead to a mild depression that I had gone through without actually attaining I was in such a state.

***

“Holding on to resentment is like holding on to your breath, sooner or later you will begin to suffocate

by Deepak Chopra

I certainly felt suffocated but I wanted to survive.
Things happen for reasons we don’t quite fully understand, but If we could step away a little from the situation we would see that we can extract something good from it that we wouldn’t had learned otherwise.

and that’s how I choose to see it, there was nothing I could do to change what I had done or how I managed some situations in the past, but all I could do is focus on the now, and do some things differently.

“Trying to stay afloat in the midst of an ocean of obstacles that were drowning me slowly”

***

I was decided to shake this thing off.

“May be it would leave a scar, but like a soldier after battle I would wear proudly my scars as badges from previous wars but not my defeats.”

So I started texting and getting in touch with some people I hadn’t spoke in months. I started gracing my presence with those people I had not spoken with and just rejoicing being with them.

What they had done to me didn’t matter anymore.It would not define me.

then there was the hardest part of all, to forgive myself. forgiving myself and opening to new possibilities.

freeing myself from the pain, anger and bitterness that If only I had done things differently and just let it go. 

 

“The city of blinding lights” (My Experience in Taiwan Part1)

Taipei City (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

Taipei City (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

I wanted to share with you all the story of how I ended up going to taiwan.

So I had just graduated from college in United States (Mid 2010), and I was in a little bit of a dilemma in terms of what was going to happen next for me to succeed in my career, I was already back home trying to find a job in El Salvador, but there was still an economic recession that had taken by surprise most of the businesses.

So I was looking for the next big thing, I knew that If I wanted to get a good job, just a bachelors degree was not enough, I needed to keep pursuing my studies, a Master’s degree, I needed to keep pushing further and further.

So one day after a lot of work I came about with the Taiwan scholarship. It was just the perfect deal, because I was going to get one year of studying only Chinese (mandarin), which nowadays is the most spoken language in the world. After that I could choose any master’s degree to study. It just happened that Taiwan has some of the best design schools in the world. It was just what I was looking for, and two months after, the journey was on track again.

***

Leaving family, friends, memories, just following a dream, I boarded a 22 hour flight on my way to Taiwan. Left my hometown with a purpose in mind, to succeed in a way that I could be able to give back.

After two days of traveling, I found myself in the middle of a sunny-humid day in the other side of the world, everything seemed what I had just imagined but just a little better.

Taipei Sunset (Photo Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

Taipei Sunset (Photo Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

The first week in Taiwan, I had the time of my life getting to know a part of the world that I never thought I could have the chance to see. I  liked to call it “the city of blinding lights, the city of no sleep. (I know Paris, is famously referred as that, but for me Taipei was my Paris)

City of Lights (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

City of Lights (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

***

At first I was a little scared, I felt like in some kind of alter dimension, because everything changed really fast, and everything was so different; and after the awe of exploring everything that there’s to see, it just hits you that you are far away from home. I learned to appreciate the gift of being given to explore new opportunities, and that this type of experience only happen once and you may never have the chance of having something like this.

(Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

(Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

Back home when people don’t understand what you say they ask you if you are speaking to them in Chinese, because it is not clear. Most People think that the Chinese language is so hard, but I don’t think is that hard, as soon as I started learning, I was able to admire the tradition under what it stands, and I gained more respect for the culture and the level of commitment taiwanese people have.

***

Everyday was a learning experience, the public transportation was so organised and safe, the streets are very clean, the people are the most helpful you can think, it doesn’t matter where you are, there’s always going to be someone who is going to help you, and the people abide the rules so voluntarily (just a tiny bit different than El Salvador, my home country), its just refreshing how a culture can be so systematic. No wonder taiwan’s economy has grown so fast and is so enduring.

(Credit: Ernesto Jose Juarez)

(Credit: Ernesto Jose Juarez)

I felt so lucky to be in Taiwan, I feel I can do anything being in Taiwan, so many things that wouldn’t have been easier for me back in central America. There’s a new opportunity everywhere you look, one day is all it take to turn things around.

Survival instinct, that’s how I call it, because it seems that when you come here most of the things are against you, the language, the money, the culture, the independent responsibilities,all of the conditions could make you fail, there’s something you have to get from within to make it here.

Taiwan Temple (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

Taiwan Temple (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

So far I have been here for over two years and I have fallen in love with everything Taiwanese, the people couldn’t be more helpful, the food couldn’t be more different but I have been able to love it, the language couldn’t be more difficult but I have learned to appreciate it, and everyday keeps on surprising me.

City Center (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

City Center (Credit: Rainer Zimmerman)

To be honest with you I never thought that at twenty three years old I was going to be in Taiwan learning Chinese and in starting to study a masters degree, God only knows the road he has for us.

Pancake for the soul

Today for the first time in a while, I felt once again what is like to get a good night’s sleep.

I had been trying to mimic and get back the feeling from those lazy weekend-afternoons I used to have in Taipei city.

When I could sleep all day If I wanted; after a busy week hustling and juggling project deadlines and in between part-time jobs. After having to deal with all the pressure that any twenty something that is trying to get an art degree would have, but only after having accumulated and dragged all of that excess baggage from the entire week, I could give myself a break and sleep!.Having a sense of accomplishment I could get myself to sleep and felt quite rested after, fully restored and able to get a fresh start.(life in the big city is exhilarating but oh so exhausting!). 

that pull of fresh air you get when you first open your eyes and brings you back to life.You actually had enough of sleeping and ready to take on the day, or the night for that matter when I used to wake up sometimes in Taipei.

***

Ever since I came back from Taiwan to home, I have been having all sorts of problems during or before my sleep-time, Doctor told me I have a little too much anxiety, Can’t seem to stay still, always thinking of what’s going to happen to my life??, I didn’t used to be so anxious, but now all I think about is what would it be of my future and what it’ll become of me. Time is a bit confusing right now, everything is quite foggy at the moment and I’m unable to catch a glimpse on what the horizon will be.

This is one of the reasons why I decided to start this blog, to try to make sense of it all, the highs and the lows, the craziness and the mysteries we encounter with in our everyday living.

I have been trying to tell myself that something’s gotta give! (By that I mean “the” job I’m looking for will appear), that everything will turn out for the best, but it could that maybe just maybe I am too much of a control freak.

This is probably because I used to have a clear view from the terrace in the house of my dreams, not quite as much lately.

It has been about six months and I have not yet found the right fit for me, I try not to panic, I stay positive.

***

Anyways, these days I try to move with the flow of each day and try to make the best of it.

For instance today I woke up with a beautiful tune ringing in my head I had heard the other day and with the mad desire to make some delectable, mouth-watering pancakes. But only If they are down-right soft and creamy.(the extra-fluffiness comes from smashing a banana into the batter)

When I feel like nothing’s going the way it’s supposed, I make pancakes. Pancakes make everything much better don’t you think? nothing can ever go wrong with pancakes, they are nurturing, and they quench your hunger.

I guess they are my guilty pleasure, and why not indulge myself when I feel like the universe is conspiring against me.

I know I am being overly dramatic, but I was used to have my wishes come true. I am a firm believer of chasing your dreams and no looking back. Mine are stalled, for now.

Maybe the divine compensation for things that could had been taken away from me was over. (that’s what I heard the other day, when someone commits an injustice against you, God and the whole universe is already planning how to return you those lost bits you missed)

I believe that life is how you choose to see it, and I only needed to work on how to modify my perspective.

I heard that miracles are a “shift of perception from fear to love,” and instead of awaiting for one to happen, I am going to have my eyes wide open and watch carefully the miracles happening around me.

So I’ve decided that my sundays’ are for pancakes.When everything seems to not go your way,have a pancake, and I assure you they will not disappoint you.They will only make you gain a few pounds, If you eat them too often.

peace x enjoy

P.S.: please make sure to get back on me what you think of the blog.