I heard something the other day that left quite an impression on me:
“Until you make amends with your past and heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into the future, you can bandage it with food, work, drugs, sex ,etcetera but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed” by Yyala Vanzant.
And I had one of those aha! moments, where everything made sense for me in that moment in time, and I became more conscious of some issues I had with detachment.I certainly needed to work on that.Something was stopping me from going into the next dimension of my entity.
Letting go was something I was never good at.
I was always the type of person that when thrown a slight-harsh non-constructive critique I would keep thinking and dwelling for hours about it.So when the time came for me to leave behind some heavyweight I’d been carrying, It took me a while to let the strings go, and accept that what had happened could be any different.
***There had been six months since I came from Taiwan, I was having some Taipei withdrawals and missing the life I used to have. For some reason every now and then I was being haunted by the remembrance of some things, unfinished projects and unresolved issues, broken relationships that I thought I’d put behind.There was the guilt that was finally getting a toll on me, I had to stop the bleeding, not just bandage it with food/other like the quote said.
I was not really able to give a proper goodbye to all the people I shared a relationship with in Taiwan. I left so abruptly (partly to my inability to create & follow schedules), I couldn’t stay there any longer after a stressful time and the most deepening heartbreak. But I am deeply grateful for my time there and will always cherish it.(This is shout-out to you reader from Taipei whom I’ve met, glad to have met you)
So I decided it was time to pull myself out of the hole I had personally orchestrated and dig for myself. I started by cleaning the clutter of pictures, files, notes and memories I had accumulated and filled with the desktop of my computer. I couldn’t even see anymore the mesmerising background I had put on.
It was easier than I thought, and after a few hours of classifying multiple files into folders and transferring them to my usb memory, I was all done. But I wasn’t really done, was I? I was just scratching the surface. I was scared to look deep down on myself, we all are, but it was a task I would have to take on eventually.
As I was cleaning and getting rid of things, pictures and unfinished projects that had shaped my life for the previous six months, I recognised I was starting to write the new chapter of my existence, I knew the best was yet to come; but for some reason I felt all mixed up, not as happy & relieved as I’d expected.
After untangling all the little knots that were making the road utterly bumpy, all you have left is the rope undone, to move forward. (by “me” who knew I could write a quote! ha!)
I felt a new beginning was taking off, but I didn’t really want it.
Change is always so bittersweet.
I believed I was experiencing what we like to call “growing up,” I called it a change of skin, a thicker kind that can withstand whatever comes it way.
I always hear people saying that you have to fall on your feet, in order to get up and learn to jump. If there was one thing I had learned from all the living abroad and experiencing new cultures it was that every single soul you cross paths with is going through a great battle in their life, and we should always be kind with everyone we meet. That’s the mantra I would keep on mind from now on and intended to follow for my time being.